A fall from grace

 The struggle...

The struggle...

I sit here writing this after probably spending at least well over 100+ hours the past week, obsessing over a website, and how I wanted it created, and what I wanted on it, and what I expected it to do.  In one of my previous Blog posts, I mentioned about my choice of Squarespace over other sites, and why I finally made my decision.

That's the incredible thing about obsessive compulsive disorder, and anxiety (and depression).  I've literally wasted several days of my life, ignoring the ones I love, looking for something better to create, when it (Squarespace) was right here in front of me this whole time.  Why did I want to switch?  What the hell was I thinking?  For example, I tried Shopify (thinking it would be a better place to sell some of my artwork, photography, etc), when Squarespace already offered that, but Shopify had this neat light Printful tool that I couldn't stop tweaking and playing with, and then trying to find the right theme to go along with it. It was nothing but madness.  Hours went by in minutes.  Things got worse when I went back to WordPress.  A site that I thought I was giving up on, only to return to look for that 'perfect' theme, with that 'perfect' font, that would allow me to add a WooCommerce function, to sell things on.  I'd switch to one theme, try a font, then go back to another, because the photo that I added for a background wouldn't show up in a full screen mode correctly.  The menus didn't look the way I wanted them, every possible thing that could go wrong was going wrong, but I felt that I could make it right.  Maybe if I just adjusted some code, but if I did and the theme was updated, would this break that code?  I'd often turn around in my chair, wanting to cry because I couldn't stop what I was doing, and i knew that I was out of control, but some greater force had control over me, so I'd go back to adjusting this, trying that, and so on.

I've been through so many 7 and 14 day trials for different sites over the past few days that I don't know what I had and hadn't signed up for.  I even purchased several things, totally a few hundred dollars, which fortunately I was able to get refunds for (because they fell within a certain time period).  Absolutely, and I mean absolutely nothing was enough for me.  Nothing was perfect, or at least that was my logic, and obsession.  I had to go back through my email to find everything that I had signed up for, so that I could delete/disable the accounts.  My inbox since all this started is an absolute mess.

It's just after 1am in the morning (Tuesday), and I have to get up in a few hours to go to work.  I started working on this when I got home from work around 6pm.  It's been that way for days now, and don't get me started on the weekends.  This past weekend was completely lost because of my sickness.  I'm glad that I finally came to my senses tonight.  I don't know what happened, but it was time.  I wouldn't wish this overwhelming madness on anyone.  It is uncontrollable, and that is not a lie.  

That's all for now.  I need some sleep, even though I'm so manic right now that I could go on for hours and hours, but what would happen when it was time for me to get up (for work)?  I'd already be awake, and in a world of trouble, having to fight through a day of no sleep, but depending on what I found myself doing later, I may not need the sleep.  That's how I'm functioning right now.  

That's it.  I'm so fucking tired of this shit that I need to walk away for a awhile, at least while my brain is telling me to do so.  I apologize to everyone that I've ignored lately and haven't spent enough time with.  I'll never get those hours of my life back, and that's disappointing me so much right now that I think I'll just go cry as I fall to sleep.

Good night, world...