I'm not sure when it happened today (early/late morning), but as the day progressed, the more I felt like I was shot out of a cannon. My mind was racing, but I can still look back at the day and remember everything that I did, everything that I said, everything that I still want to do. I could repeat the day word for word almost verbatim. Sometimes this happens, and oddly, it feels good. You are so amped up, that you feel invincible. Nothing can slow you down. The downside is, you end up sort of crashing out later, but don't you always? It wasn't until I got home from work that I remembered that I forgot to take my meds after lunch. :( I really needed the valium, it helps me find peace (or piece of mind, more like it). The day was a blur and I'm blogging this right now, because I'm starting to feel the effects of regaining some type of control, and that could very well be because it's almost 11pm. I've had my meds (I took them when I got home from work, albeit a little late), and I'm going to take them again in a little bit before going to bed. I was so out, yet in control, that I decided just a little while ago that I need to set a timer on my phone to remind me when it's 'med time'. Something that should help with the symptoms being all over the map from time to time, or at least I hope so. I'm normally good about taking them at the correct times, but today was just a different story altogether. Still, setting alarms to stop, relax, and take what I supposed to would be a wise decision. I've contemplated it in the past, but never followed through, because I thought that I was 'OK'. Well, maybe I'm not (or maybe I am), so tomorrow, alarms will go off.
It's easy to see why people can get addicted to certain drugs, not necessarily anti-depressants, and anxiety medication, but things like cocaine, meth or other amphetamines. The things that pump you up to these awesome levels of a 'high' that you never want to come down. I start to see the world as this whole new beautiful place, and I'm racing through it, and I almost want to cry because it can be so beautiful at those times.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn't classify today as a bad day by any means, I was just wired, and like I said earlier, it felt good. Is this how you're supposed to feel? Is this normal, and my depression that I'm fighting just starting to fade? I don't really know, because I don't know what 'normal' is really supposed to feel like. That's why days like today are maybe OK, and the 'manic' feeling is not really manic at all, but normal. As always, I could probably go on and on, and type until my fingers bleed. That's not just the 'manic' me, but the 'normal' me, even when I get really depressed, but the subject matter is always far, far different then. Anyway, I'll stop now. I doubt anyone will read this anyway, but I just wanted to get it out there. I'm feeling good (for now), dammit! :) I just want it to last, to a certain degree, but if history is any indicator, it won’t, but let’s stay hopeful, shall we?