High or low?

Note, my mind is seriously racing right now, so please ignore my grammar, or lack thereof.  This whole post may not make any sense, I’m just pounding away at keyboard right now, and maybe not posting this may be the best way to go. I guess it’s one of the reasons that I created this site though (so maybe others can relate, and don’t feel alone)...

It was like I was out of my head, or body, or something.  I didn't feel me this afternoon and this evening.  It was that depression that I had been fortunate enough to not experience as often after starting Nardil.  It's somewhat concerning, because some of the immediate thoughts that start going through your head are "am I coming down" from the high that you've been riding on the meds lately.  It's not just Nardil, I had experienced the same with lots of other anti-depressants and anti-psychotics in the past.  I'll be riding this way, almost like a roller coaster, except I don't know when I'm going to get to the top, before I start to fall back down.  The big difference here, is that you don't experience that roller coaster rush as your plummeting back down towards the earth, you feel this emptiness starting to form, this void in your body and in your mind.  You don't know what can make you happy, or if you were really happy to begin with and this is just 'normal' that you are experiencing now.  It's all so confusing.  

When you hit that high, and you start to crash, you don't know if it's going to be for an hour, or for a month.  Taking a valium to ease the anxiety of the 'crashing' helps.  It helps more than you can imagine, but it's like pouring cold water on a burn.  You know as soon as you turn the water off, the burn is going to come back, and that's what happens with the valium.  When it starts to fade, the 'burn' comes back, in this case the feelings of depression and anxiety.  They both grow off of one another.  The depression can cause the anxiousness (at least in my case), because I don't know when it's going to go away, or how bad it's going to end up getting.  The anxiety, spawns the depression, because it's like it causes the rug to be pulled out from underneath you.  You know that the depression is lingering behind the curtain, and it's going to rear it's ugly head any minute, so yeah, both work together in this evil little plot.  

Being on that manic ride, in between feeling great (and on top of the world), and then wanting to do nothing but lay on the couch and cry/sleep is a very odd feeling.  At those 'manic' points, I feel like I can conquer the world.  I want to do everything, and I want to do it all at once.  Unfortunately, at these points, my OCD kicks in and I'm all over the place.  I'm counting things, I'm thinking ridiculous thoughts that shouldn't be spoken of, I'm making sure that everything is 'even'.  Want an example of the 'counting' and 'even' together?  Think of a word, let's say 'dictionary'.  It's a bad word (to me).  You know why?  Because it contains 10 letters, so there is no 'middle'.  Now let's pick another word.  Let's go with 'information'.  Perfect!  11 letters, with an 'M' in the middle, so the 'M' is special in this case.  How about a license plate as you're driving by a car?  RCH-487.  Forget the 'RCH', I don't pay attention to that, but I do make a point to remember it, and lock it away in my brain.  Now, '487'.  Hmm, that's '19', so is it good like the word counting, where there is an odd number, or is it bad, because it's even?  That, I'm never sure.  I just know that it's 19.  

During the manic/OCD phase, it's not all bad, that's when I turn creative, but once again, it needs to be perfection.  I'll start a drawing or a painting and a few hours in, you'll find it smashed and in the bottom of the trash can, because I couldn't get it exactly the way I had pictured in my head.  Someone else may see it and think that it's beautiful, but if it's not the way I want it, then it's gone.  The things that make 'the cut' are super special to me, because I know they have made it through my ridiculous standards that I set for myself.  I can give it away to someone special, and feel proud about what I've done.  

Anyway, the point I'm getting at here, is that I've gone from this hypomanic phase last night, to a depression today, just to turn it around again tonight into more of a manic feeling.  I've been painting for the past few hours, and I'm happy with what I've done so far, but that creativity doesn't come from a deep depression.  The depression can help, because it puts my mind in the strange state of ideas evolving and things I've never thought of before being created, but I can't act on it.  I have to wait it out, until I'm riding back up that roller coaster, taking advantage of every inch of the climb up, before it hits its peak and starts the decent once again.  I have these same type of thoughts as I'm starting to fall asleep.  I see a million things that I want to do, and words are putting themselves in this magnificent order, that the most beautiful poem imaginable could be written, but I'm semi-conscious, so I'm not able to act on it.  If I'm lucky, I remember things and translate them into actual art/poetry/whatever.

I'm working now to get back into lucid dreaming.  A technique that I've practiced on and off for years and at times I've been really successful with it.  I'm hoping that it can work alongside my meds and my therapy.  With the luck that I've had with it in the past, I'm able to take things from the middle of the night and 'twist' them into how I need them, how they 'should be' in my life.  I think it's something that may work, and just something else on my plate now along with everything else.  

I just needed a place to vent, so anyone that was able to stay with me, through this whole post, thank you!  Trust me, I'm so much better off than I have been in the past.  Each day brings new challenges (as it does for us all).  Mine, I just have a problem with staying grounded.  Yeah, having a racing mind, going 100mph, is all fine and dandy, and you sure can accomplish a lot, but it's burning the candle at both ends, and it's only temporary anyway.  That's about all I have to say about that.

Good night, and I hope everyone had a great weekend!